“I want you to meet him”, she said.
“Don’t worry, I will”, I replied to the conversation where I told my best friend that I would not be joining her for New Year’s Eve.
“I want you to meet him before we get married!”, she laughed out loud. This coming on the heels of her having had about 5 dates in 7 days with the new love of her life.
At that moment, and continuing every day, the green eyed monster started to grow.
How was it that I was getting ready to “celebrate” the 3rd anniversary of the failure of my marriage, and here she was, a year out of her marriage, which had been dead for years, with a bright clear future ahead of her? It felt unfair, that day and all the days since.
Ok, maybe I exaggerate. Maybe it’s not a bright, clear future, but it sure the hell feels like it.
She has been seeking a “relationship” and even mentioned to me today that things are so great. That she has found what she’s been looking for, and so has he. They both want a relationship, and they have found it, and each other. She tells me that maybe I have not been clear with the universe as to what I want. That although I want one thing, my actions do not lead me to finding that. If I am clear, the universe will deliver. I know she wanted to add “just like it did for me”.
Here I sit, wondering why I am jealous. Contemplating if her newfound relationship is as good as it seems. Looking to the future and predicting if it will work or not. Is the commonality of “wanting to be in a relationship” enough to build a base on?
I am jealous. I want to be happy for her. I am happy for her. I want to be happy for me, too. I try not to think about societal pressures that try to tell us we need to have a relationship to be happy. Most especially during this holiday time of year.
We just found each other, my best friend and I, and now I am about to lose her.
We’ve been friends for 25 years, having met when I started university and she was entering her second year. In my 3rd and her 4th year, we became roommates, very good friends and ultimately bffs. Over the years we would be there for each other through heartbreaks, through love, weddings, pregnancies, adoptions, divorce, affairs, and divorce again. We were always there for each other but the underlying tension shared by husbands (who no longer exist) kept our friendship somewhat at arms length. In the last 18 months our friendship has solidified into a sisterhood that I did not grow up with. Phone calls, text messages, each and everyday. Always checking in on each other. Often the yin to the other’s yang, but sometimes both of us would be feeling great, and sometimes we’d both be blue. But our calls, not matter what, always end with us laughing, either at each other or some silly boy that seems to be plaguing us at the moment.
She is kind and thoughtful. She’s been checking in on me, knowing that the past 10 days have been particularly tough. I bring up the new beau because I know she wants to talk about him. She asks how I’m doing emotionally, knowing that I’m having a hard time. The yin to the yang somehow seems unbalanced. It’s like there’s been a fork in the road and her’s is leading one way and mine, another.
We’ll find our way back to each other. Of that I am sure. In the meantime, I’ll try to put the little green monster down for a long winter’s nap.