White ones and red ones
And some you can’t disguise
Twisted truth and half the news
Can’t hide it in your eyes
~Thompson Twins (Lies)
One of my biggest struggles these days is all the lying. Still. Lying.
To have an affair means that one must possess a great ability to lie. To deceive. To put aside emotions. To not care. Let me tell you, my ex-beloved has it all, in spades. What I fail to understand is that after 7 months, he still lies. How much longer can this continue?
At the beginning were the typical excuses. I have to work late. There is a work dinner I must attend. I have an early conference call with China (that one is convenient given the time change). I have to work. I have to work. I have to work. This was especially convenient given that he works with her.
And then there were the more calculated and deceitful lies. “I have to stay in [insert any given city here] for an extra day because we did not finish our business meetings.” I find myself stuck on that one. How many times did I hear that over the course of my marriage? To be honest I am not sure. But I can tell you that the one time I remember, the warning bells had already sounded.
While his lie sounded plausible, it was completely a lie. In my head I thought that “they” had stayed in [the above inserted city] for an extra day, together. Nope. He actually returned home, and stayed the night and the next day with her. I can understand why. He was about to spend two weeks with his family. It was Christmas.
Lying is tricky in this age of digital everything. And ex-beloved? Not so smart. While it took me 5 months to discover his Christmas travel deceit, I had proof all along. On my phone. When you take pictures with your phone, the time, date and location are “stamped” on the picture. A picture he had sent me of the line up at customs on the “day he arrived home” had been taken the previous day. And this was not the only photo. Even after I called him out on a photo he sent to my son, lying about his whereabouts, he continues to send photos. Proof of his lies.
Not only were the lies stupid, but very unoriginal. Have you ever seen Love Actually? You know the part where Emma Thompson opens her Christmas present and it is not the gold jewelry that she had previously found in her husband’s jacket pocket? Yup. That happened to me. My variation was a bank transaction (he wasn’t even smart enough to use his credit card) in a brand named store, on our joint account. And none of my gifts had that label on them. He “claimed” to have returned it right after buying it because he realized that a silk scarf in our climate was extremely unsuitable.
So why am I so bothered by all the lying? Especially now, that I know he is a liar. After all these months, I do not understand the lying. He knows that I know everything. In fact, I probably know more than he realizes. I look back and I can see that the lying is worse now than before he left. He lies about where he is living. He lies about his business trips which are in fact vacation. He lies about his reasons for not being able to see his children. He lies about his financial situation.
He lies. He lies. He lies.
How much longer can this continue? I suspect until she figures out that he is also lying to her.
In the meantime, I record the important lies. The ones that affect the children. The rest? I just roll my eyes and say “whatever”.