Every woman going through a divorce has fantasies about the things they would like to say or do, to the other woman.  Showing up on her doorstep, or her place of employment.  Slashing her tires.  Emailing her.  Calling her.  Myself included.  And if we are smart, we do none of them.  There is no point.  In the end the satisfaction would not live up to our expectations.

For a long time, I fantasized about sending an email to ex-beloved’s girlfriend.  I discovered that I actually had her email address.  During their affair, she donated items to a raffle draw at my daughter’s school, and ex-beloved gave me her email address for the thank you.  How foolish I feel now.

My fantasy email took on many versions in my head, but finally settled on this, which I actually drafted one night.  Not to send.  Only to get it out of my head.

TOP 10 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT EX-BELOVED (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

  1.  He was sleeping with me, having sex with me, the whole time he was seeing you.  We’ve read the books, seen the movies.  We all know that the married man tells his girlfriend that he is in an unhappy, sexless marriage.  Nope.  Not us.  Sex, or some form of sexual gratification, all the time.  EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  And imagine, he still left me.  No amount of sexual attention will keep him.  You think it will.  But trust me.  It won’t.  And honey, I have seen your skinny assed body.  Good luck.Trust me, after 20 years, I know what kind of body get’s that man going.
  2. While he was seeing you, and still fucking me, it was great.  Ya, bet he didn’t tell you that part either.  At one point he told me he missed MY blow jobs.  I thought it funny but continued on.  Now I realize why he said it.  And while he was fucking both of us, he continued to tell me how beautiful my pussy was.  Did he tell you that too?  No?  Yes?  Either way, rather interesting don’t you think?
  3. Not only were we still having sex, but when you finally meet me, you will see that I am not the chubby housewife he has portrayed me to be.  I may have been.    The funny thing about your husband walking out unexpectedly and lying for months, a woman tends to lose her appetite.  Thirty pounds later, I am unrecognizable.  I guess it is the universe’s way of getting me prepared for the dating world again.  Where once I was horrified at the thought of having to get naked in front of another man, now I am actually looking forward to it.
  4. He is a dreamer.  Not a do-er.  His dreams are amazing.  They are exciting.  But he will not get around to bringing them to fruition.  That would require work.  Hard work.  And he does not have it in him.  He is always looking for the easy way out.  Speaking of which…
  5. I hear you have money.  That will work in his favour.  That will help him achieve his dreams.  Where I will be the one who held him back, you will be the one to help him blossom into the skunk cabbage he truly is.  He will use your money to fulfill his dreams.  After two failed business, no money management skills and too much debt, he will use as much of your money as you let him.  I have one word for you… “prenup”.
  6. He is always waiting for the next big thing.  Mostly this relates to money.  The next cheque, the next bonus, the next tax refund will fix all of the debt problems.  But it is never quite enough.  The cheques or bonuses are never as much as he thinks they will be.  Now?  His next big pay out?  The thing that will solve all his debt problems?  His inheritance.  Pretty sad when you think about it.  His next big pay out will be because his parents have died.  Be prepared, because in his head, that money is already spent.
  7. He expected to retire at 45.  He was going to be such a successful business man that he would be able to quit working 20 years earlier than most.  Has he told you his age?  He has approximately 2 years and 3 months to hit it big.  Oh, wait.  He already has.  He has you.  Re-read #5.
  8. He has had a vasectomy.  I hear you are in your early 30’s.  No one seems to know if you want kids.  You are still young.  That clock will start ticking.
  9. If you figure out a way to have kids with him, be careful.  On the outside it looks like he is a great family man.  Reality?  Nope.  I am not sure what he tells you about his kids but I can tell you that any dad that loves their kids would spend more than 4 days with them in a month.  A dad that loves his kids would want to see them as much as possible.  A dad who loves his kids would have fought for shared custody and not given me full custody.  What kind of man does that?  One who thinks with his dick more than his brain.  You are the chosen one.  My kids will always resent you because he chose you over them.
  10. Despite what he has told you, I do not believe you are the first.  I think there have been women before you.  And as the saying goes, if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.
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