This morning when I opened the Daily Post daily prompt, the words started to come to me. They continued on through my bike ride. Here I am, finally able to put them down.
A fear that I have overcome. Conquered.
For about 5 years, I was afraid of “my husband” dying. What we would do without him? How would we survive, financially? Looking back, I find it interesting that those were really the only two questions I would ask myself.
He was the centre of our world. Everything we did was with his wishes and desires in mind. Everything. He was always the top priority. Always.
At some point that fear turned into fantasy.
What would my life be like if he died? Would it be easier? Would it be harder? What would I do? Would we move away? Would we stay? What kind of a job would I get? Would I move on? What would that look like?
The questions never ran deep. But obviously my subconscious was working on something. Was sensing something.
I realize, that I sound like a horrible person. Who would want their husband to die?
I never wanted him to die. And he didn’t. He just left me instead.
There were times at the beginning when I thought that it would have been easier if he had died. Some days I still question that. But he didn’t. And so we must figure out this new life.
Interestingly, I still had the same questions, when he left. What would my life now be like? What would I do without him? How would we survive? Will it be easier? Will it be harder?
Some days are undoubtedly easier without him around. Some days are harder. But to be honest. Not many. Not anymore.
I am discovering what my life will be like, and that I can indeed live without him. I am discovering that I can finally breathe. That I can make decisions for me and my life. And it feels good.
And I am surviving. More than surviving.
Today I met a friend for coffee. She asked me if I was happy in my marriage. I told her, “I thought I was.”
Have you watched Grace & Frankie on Netflix? In the first episode, Martin Sheen, upon revealing that he is gay, says to his wife, Jane Fonda, I didn’t think you were happy. And she replies, “I was happy enough.” That was me. Happy enough. My friend said that when she met me, she felt an underlying sense of frustration from me when I talked about my husband and marriage. Not a surprise maybe that I used to think about losing my husband. I just never thought it would be from him leaving.
Now my biggest fear? Walking the dog at night. And getting sprayed by a skunk.