What would I do differently?

I’ve always been a fan of the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow.  You know the one where she misses the tube, and the one where she catches it.  And how her life would play out with both of that minor detail of her life, changed.

I have moments like that.  Where I wonder how life would have been had I made one little change.  Had I gone to a different university.  Had I not moved to another city.  Had I not gotten back together with that one guy.  Had I paid attention to the warning signs.  Had I not been a stay at home mom.  Had I spoken up.

For the past 8 months, I have told my children that I would go through all the pain and heartache, over again, for them.  Because they are the best thing to have ever happened to me.  They are the reason I was meant to be with their dad.  To have them as my children.  And if I had to do it all again, just to have them in my life, then I would.

If I had the chance to be reborn, would I come back as myself or opt for a fresh start?

It all comes down to my kids.  While I struggle being a single parent, I can’t imagine my life without them.  So I would have to come back as myself.  I would have to come back and live every day exactly as I have, just so that I would have them.

But in my do-over life, the day after my son was born, my baby, I would start doing things differently.

I would speak up.

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

~Rachel Platten

That is the one single thing I would change.  I would not have allowed myself to have lost my voice.

Now I am taking the opportunity to make a fresh start.

With my kids.

And my voice.

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4 thoughts on “Fight Song

  1. I raised both of my kids myself, after my first wife left me. I never doubted that it was the most important thing that I’d ever done. I have huge problems with confidence, but I remind myself that raising my kids was in itself enough to justify my existence, and I have learnt to be gentle with myself. It helps to make me feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

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