Used To Love You

I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most

~Gwen Stefani

Seventeen years.  I have a hard time looking back at those years and seeing him there.  Not because it is too painful.  Rather, he seems to have simply disappeared.  He played a walk on role in my life and has been easily edited out.  Like me in his life.

Our wedding?  Did it really happen?  Are the memories fuzzy because I have grown older?

The birth of my kids.  I remember.  So clearly.  Very vivid images.  He is not there.  He was, of course.  But not in my memories.  I have to try hard, focus, to conjure up his image in my past.

How can that be?

I have read that what I have gone through is trauma to my brain.  That my husband leaving, without much warning, has caused my brain to be damaged.  I feel like it has shut down, blocked out a big part of my life.  To protect me, I am guessing.  To keep the pain away.

Don’t get me wrong.  It is not like I am burying my head in the sand and not dealing.  I have felt every emotion imaginable since that fateful day.  I have cried.  I have screamed.  I have thrown things.  I have laid on the floor and felt like I would never be able to get up again.

I have worked through emotions.  I have done so much self reflecting.  I know exactly the role I played in the demise of my marriage.

It.  Is.  Still.  Hard.

I am so over the hard.

Our divorce negotiations are not going well.

Ironic on so many levels.

I opted out our of system’s option for free mediation.  I know him.  Well.  Better than he realizes.  Better than he knows himself.  There is no way that at the time I started the process of divorcing my husband, that I could have sat at a table with only one person between us, and tried to hash through these difficult things.  He is a shrewd business man.  The fact that I am the mother of his children means nothing.

We have nothing.  No savings.  No assets.  Debt.  That is all.  Well not exactly.  We have two wonderful children.

Our point of contention for our divorce agreement?  Not custody.  I proposed sole custody.  For me.  He accepted it, without a fight.  I still can’t wrap my head around that.  What kind of father does not want to be with his kids at least half the time.  Not this guy.  Early on, he would cancel plans with the kids and not even try to reschedule.  Exotic vacations?  Four in 9 months.  I tell one of my girlfriend’s who is going through a similar situation that I am jealous that her ex wants to see his kids.  That while everything he did is horrible, that he is being a great dad, for the most part.  And I am jealous of that.

I never imagined to be going through this, but most certainly, I never expected to be the only parent.

It comes down to money.  The reason why we can’t agree to our divorce agreement.  The reason why marriages are hard and divorces are harder.  Money.

After a few rounds in the ring, my lawyer is sending our final offer today.

What does this mean?  It means that if he accepts it, that my divorce will become final.  That is a little surreal.  If he does not accept it, it means that we go to court.  Where I most certainly will not do worse than he is trying to treat me now.  Where I may even get a better deal than the one that I am willing to accept in our negotiations.  Where we will spend thousands of dollars above and beyond what we have already spent.

Right now I feel like I am in the middle of a running race.  I don’t know if I signed up for a half marathon or a full marathon.  When I turn the corner I will either find the finish line, or a long road ahead.

Waiting to breathe.

Waiting to fight.

If I Lay Here Part II

Last night I rewrote yesterday’s post.  The intent was to share it. With the someone new. Who is not really new. Rather an old friend. One of my oldest in fact. 

I have been told that friends make the best lovers. I have yet to find out. I worry that I am not ready to find out. But it is time to find out. I want to find out. I think that is a good sign. 

If I Lay Here 

If I lay here…

The world will continue without me. The sun will rise. The sun will set. The rain will fall. The leaves will change. Fall will turn to winter.

If I lay here…

I live with no regret. I let go of the past. I let things be.
If I lay here…
I can feel my breath. I can feel it filling my lungs. I can feel my heart beating. Steady and strong. 
If I lay here…
I think about what I want. I take a leap of faith. There is no turning back. Only moving forward. It feels right. 
If I lay here..
Me. I finally get to think about me. 
If I lay here…
I feel a dance. Between us. One step towards each other. One step away. Patience. Nervousness. Uncertainty. Words unspoken. Right under the surface. 
If I lay here…
Hand to hand. I yearn to be touched. I want to be held. I want to feel protected. I want to feel your skin on mine.  
If I lay here…
Do you know that I want you to lay here with me?
If I lay here…
I make no promises. 
If I lay here…
I will be honest. 
If I lay here…
I see that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.   
If I lay here…
Will you lie with me and just forget about the world. 

If I Lay Here

If I lay here…

The world will continue without me.  The sun will rise.  The sun will set.  The rain will fall.  The leaves will change.  Fall will turn to winter.

If I lay here…

I risk falling into despair.  I can feel the pain.  I feel the heartbreak.  I feel the betrayal.  I feel the discord.

If I lay here…

I can start to let go of the regret.  I can start to let go of the past.  I can start to let things be.

If I lay here…

Separate from him.

If I lay here…

I can feel my breath.  I can feel it filling my lungs.  I can feel it lifting my stomach.  I can feel my heart beating.

If I lay here…

I can start thinking of the future.  I can start thinking about my dreams.  I can decide what I want.

If I lay here…

I think about someone new.  Do you know that I want you to lay here with me?

If I lay here…

I yearn to be touched.  I want to be held.  I want to feel protected.  I want to feel your skin on mine.

If I lay here, will you lie with me and just forget about the world. ~ Snow Patrol

Nothing Left to Lose

And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we’ll go

~Mat Kearney

Evidence.  It keeps cropping up.  Taking the time line further and further back.

He left in January.  He says they started dating after that.  I know this is not true.

I find a charge on the credit card bill for a hotel room.  In December.  The night before his birthday.

I hear that she left her husband in November.  Because she was having feelings for someone else.  Barely one month after her first anniversary.

In September, of last year, for the first time in all of his 16 years of travel, a flight is cancelled.  His new life begins?

I am certain their affair started 9 months before he left.  Does it matter?

I don’t know what to feel.

If the affair had been going on for many months, what does that say about my marriage?  For those months.  The lies.  The truth.  Was there any truth?  The family time together.  The family vacations.  The special times.  The love.

If the affair had only been going on for a few months, what does that say about my marriage?  That he could so easily leave.  Seventeen years vs 4 months?  How?

I keep being reminded that I need to move on.  Time to move forward.  Every day.  Every breath.  Every step.  I try.  And some days I am successful.  And some days…I am not.

I don’t want to feel.  Not for him.  Not anymore.