I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I thought you loved me the most
Seventeen years. I have a hard time looking back at those years and seeing him there. Not because it is too painful. Rather, he seems to have simply disappeared. He played a walk on role in my life and has been easily edited out. Like me in his life.
Our wedding? Did it really happen? Are the memories fuzzy because I have grown older?
The birth of my kids. I remember. So clearly. Very vivid images. He is not there. He was, of course. But not in my memories. I have to try hard, focus, to conjure up his image in my past.
How can that be?
I have read that what I have gone through is trauma to my brain. That my husband leaving, without much warning, has caused my brain to be damaged. I feel like it has shut down, blocked out a big part of my life. To protect me, I am guessing. To keep the pain away.
Don’t get me wrong. It is not like I am burying my head in the sand and not dealing. I have felt every emotion imaginable since that fateful day. I have cried. I have screamed. I have thrown things. I have laid on the floor and felt like I would never be able to get up again.
I have worked through emotions. I have done so much self reflecting. I know exactly the role I played in the demise of my marriage.
It. Is. Still. Hard.
I am so over the hard.
Our divorce negotiations are not going well.
Ironic on so many levels.
I opted out our of system’s option for free mediation. I know him. Well. Better than he realizes. Better than he knows himself. There is no way that at the time I started the process of divorcing my husband, that I could have sat at a table with only one person between us, and tried to hash through these difficult things. He is a shrewd business man. The fact that I am the mother of his children means nothing.
We have nothing. No savings. No assets. Debt. That is all. Well not exactly. We have two wonderful children.
Our point of contention for our divorce agreement? Not custody. I proposed sole custody. For me. He accepted it, without a fight. I still can’t wrap my head around that. What kind of father does not want to be with his kids at least half the time. Not this guy. Early on, he would cancel plans with the kids and not even try to reschedule. Exotic vacations? Four in 9 months. I tell one of my girlfriend’s who is going through a similar situation that I am jealous that her ex wants to see his kids. That while everything he did is horrible, that he is being a great dad, for the most part. And I am jealous of that.
I never imagined to be going through this, but most certainly, I never expected to be the only parent.
It comes down to money. The reason why we can’t agree to our divorce agreement. The reason why marriages are hard and divorces are harder. Money.
After a few rounds in the ring, my lawyer is sending our final offer today.
What does this mean? It means that if he accepts it, that my divorce will become final. That is a little surreal. If he does not accept it, it means that we go to court. Where I most certainly will not do worse than he is trying to treat me now. Where I may even get a better deal than the one that I am willing to accept in our negotiations. Where we will spend thousands of dollars above and beyond what we have already spent.
Right now I feel like I am in the middle of a running race. I don’t know if I signed up for a half marathon or a full marathon. When I turn the corner I will either find the finish line, or a long road ahead.
Waiting to breathe.
Waiting to fight.