And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we’ll go

~Mat Kearney

Evidence.  It keeps cropping up.  Taking the time line further and further back.

He left in January.  He says they started dating after that.  I know this is not true.

I find a charge on the credit card bill for a hotel room.  In December.  The night before his birthday.

I hear that she left her husband in November.  Because she was having feelings for someone else.  Barely one month after her first anniversary.

In September, of last year, for the first time in all of his 16 years of travel, a flight is cancelled.  His new life begins?

I am certain their affair started 9 months before he left.  Does it matter?

I don’t know what to feel.

If the affair had been going on for many months, what does that say about my marriage?  For those months.  The lies.  The truth.  Was there any truth?  The family time together.  The family vacations.  The special times.  The love.

If the affair had only been going on for a few months, what does that say about my marriage?  That he could so easily leave.  Seventeen years vs 4 months?  How?

I keep being reminded that I need to move on.  Time to move forward.  Every day.  Every breath.  Every step.  I try.  And some days I am successful.  And some days…I am not.

I don’t want to feel.  Not for him.  Not anymore.


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