I haven’t written in my journal in a couple of months.  I pulled it out today to do some writing.  I like to write in my journal when my thoughts are very disjointed.  Very all over the place.  That is how I am feeling today.   I opened my journal and found this as my last entry, a letter to myself:

Today you decided to write this so that when you have low days, you can look back on something positive. When you are having a low day, or week, you feel rather desperate. You feel stuck. Right? And most especially, like you can’t let go, like you can’t move forward.

Think of how far you have come.  Think of how much you have learned.  Be ok with what you have lost.  Rejoice in what you have gained.

This is not the man you want to be with.  And no matter what he is doing, or how he is acting, he is not living a better life. Remember that this is the man who lied to you. This is the man who betrayed your trust. He is a liar.  He is financially irresponsible. Remember this is the man who has had his credit cards canceled.  he is so far down the rabbit hole that he avoids everything.  Including paying his debts.

He is a coward. That is why he lies.  That is why he is disrespectful.  He cannot face his responsibilities.  It has nothing to do with you.

When you have strong days, you are so good.  You know and believe you are better off.  You hear the bullets zipping by your ears.

Acknowledge your sadness but don’t stay there.  The past no longer matters.  Do not let it unpack in your mind.  Instead, think about how strong you have become.  Not only have you found your voice, but you have been setting boundaries like it is a railway track into the wilderness.

Keep forging ahead.  You are so close.  Don’t throw in the towel now.

Instead, swing that towel high above your head.  Embrace your new life.  Be grateful that the universe has given you an amazing gift.

Love, Me xo

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4 thoughts on “Letter to Myself

    1. Keep getting up. Each and every morning. And then feel the emotions. Acknowledge the emotions. Listen to your body. Write. A lot. Put your feelings on paper. Even random words. Don’t worry about what it looks like or how repetitive it is. Or disjointed. Get the thoughts out of your head. But I think that gaining strength and confidence is a slow, slow process. With steps forward and backwards. Depending on the day, hour, minute, second. One year out and I still struggle. But I can see how far I have come. I try not to be hard on myself. A big challenge.
      One step at a time. Each morning, keep getting out of bed. Shower. Get dressed. It does get easier. I am not sure it gets easy. But easier yes.

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      1. Thanks for the response. I’ll give it a go. This is incredibly painful, soul ripping, and I have a complete loss of self. It feels deadening.
        It is really nice to have an opportunity to gain insight from those who are going through something similar. Feels like having a cheerleader on my side.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. You are most definitely not alone. I hope you have some good friends helping you through this. That has been my saving grace.
    I can’t believe it has been a year already. I too felt like it was incredibly painful and soul ripping.
    I am a lucky one…I can look back and see that this was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I can see how the future I was envisioning would never have happened. That my ex was controlling in such a subtle way that I did not realize I had lost not only my sense of self but also my voice.
    Was this where I thought I would be in my life right now? Hell no. But a year ago I never imagined that I would have come so far either.
    I have been told it takes two years. I am half way there. How about you?

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