It has been 55 days since I last saw my therapist.
All the crying and anxiety of late made me realize that it was time. Time to go back. At least for a check in.
I really like my therapist. She listens. She offers advice. She asks the right questions. She validates my feelings. She suggests that I am too hard on myself. And today she read me like an open book.
I had one hour to catch her up on the goings on in my life. I can’t believe that we actually managed to do it.
I told her that I have been very anxious as of late. More than I had been in quite a while, hence my absence from her sofa.
The hard question I knew was coming. “Why are you feeling anxious?”
It was a bit tough to know exactly where to begin but somehow I did. Begin.
I can’t remember what I led with but our talk ran the gamut of the ex, the kids, the divorce and A.
I shared the progress, or lack thereof, on my divorce agreement. But that we were close. To an agreement. To being divorced. Which signifies the finality of my marriage. Completely. I was surprised that while sitting on her sofa, where I have sat so many times over the past 10 months, that I am still in shock. Or rather have gone a bit backwards into shock. A bit of disbelief that it is actually almost over. The battle. The marriage. My life as I knew it.
With a very heavy heart and tears streaming down my face, I talked about my kids. I have deleted all that I wrote. I won’t share what we discussed. While I think it could be helpful to share it. For me. For others out there reading. This one time, I will not. It is not a good idea. My kids are too old. They are too savvy. I would never forgive myself if they somehow came across this.
We discussed the possibility that I am burnt out. And that is why I am so anxious. That I have been giving so much for the last 10 months, that there is no more of me left to give. We discussed that with all of the changes in the last 10 months, it is expected that not only has my life changed, but also my role in my life. I am no longer a wife, taking care of my family. I am a mother taking care of my kids. I am a woman who needs and wants to build a new life. A new future. And on days like today I struggle. I do not know where to begin. I do not know how to recharge my batteries.
I talked about how insecure I am feeling. A big piece of the anxiety issue. Expected. Given that I thought I knew what my future looked like. Trust issues. Abandonment issues. Big time.
We talked a lot about A. She likes that I have some new and good in my life. And all of my feelings, my trust issues, my insecurities, all normal. She was proud that I was putting myself out there. Being vulnerable. Especially giving my recent history. It is a good thing she said.
She reminded me of how far I have come. And we agreed that I still have some healing to do. It dawned on both of us that not only is the “anniversary” of my marriage collapse coming, but that it was also one year ago that I started suspecting that the ex was having an affair.
It is a hard time right now. Lots going on. Everything all at once. Too much to bear sometimes.
I need to breathe. I need to embrace my emotions. I need to work through them. I need to just be. I need to continue healing.