Be Mighty

 I lay in bed. Afraid to try to sleep. Worried that sleep will allude me.  Typical as of late. For a while sleep come a bit easier. Now, for the past three weeks or so, sleep is not a good friend of mine. Not an enemy, more like an acquaintance. 

Tonight is the end of day 365.  

Tomorrow I will have come full circle. I will have arrived to the anniversary date where my life as I knew it, changed forever. 
One sentence. Or rather one question took me down a path of no return. Only I did not know it at the time. 

“Can you just tell me that we’re going to be ok?” 

For weeks I wondered what my life would have looked like had I not asked that question. If I had just kept quiet. Like usual. Swallowed my voice. Kept the boat steady. 

His reply, “I don’t know.”  

I folded over and put my hands on my thighs. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. 

Of course he knew. This was not the beginning of the lies. Unbeknownst to be at the time, the lies start months earlier. In the end, all irrelevant. 

It has been quite the year. 

My husband, now ex, moved out. He packed his bag full of lies and left a trail behind. I am still crossing paths with those lies. Too many. Too much. Enough already. 

With the help of some of the most amazing women I have ever met, I was pulled up from the depths of despair. The pulling is not done. Not yet. And while I worry that my friends have tired of me, of this crap, I know they are still there. Arms open to catch me on the unexpected days of sadness and anxiety. Not sadness towards my ex, but rather sadness for the life I am mourning. Sadness for the person I was, good and bad. Anxiety for the unknown of the future. 

I held the hands of my Children and wiped away more tears than I ever thought possible. From them. From me. 

I found the strength and courage to ask for a divorce. He might have been the one to have left out marriage. He might have been the one to quit on us. But I was the one to stood up and said I wanted out. I took control of my situation. I protected myself. I protected my children. 

Tomorrow, on the anniversary date of the collapse of my marriage, I will take my children on a trip. To one of my favourite cities. New York. We will build new Christmas memories. New Christmas traditions. We will get space from their father. Distract ourselves from what is now the reality of or new life. 

We will love each other. Cherish each other. 

On day 366, we will put one foot in front of the other. Just as we have done for the past 365. 

We will be mighty.  

 

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I see sadness in your eyes

“I see sadness in your eyes.”

This is what a friend told me last night.  We are new friends.  Fighting the same battle.  The same timeline.  But we have approached it so differently.  She feels completely moved on.  That is what I get from her eyes.  But my eyes?

Sadness.

It is hard to not be sad.  It is hard to actually define why I am sad.  I am not sure that is important.  I just am.

I do not miss him.  I do not want him back in my life.  I see this for the blessing that it is.

I miss my family.  I am scared.  Everything I thought I knew about my future does not exist.

I have had a few friends, and my therapist, tell me to lean into these emotions.  To feel them and let them pass by.  But there seems to be a traffic jam.  They are not passing by so easily these days.  And the days of feeling like this seem endless.

I am a fixer.  I am an explainer.  I like to know the answers.

Am I feeling this way because it is the holidays?  Am I feeling this way because a year ago I started suspecting he was having an affair?  Am I feeling this way because I have almost come one full calendar year through the grieving?  Am I feeling this way because I do not have the distraction of A (most probably)?  Is it ok to be sad still?  Isn’t it time to move on?  How do I do that?  When will the sadness go away?

I like answers.  And right now I feel like I have none.

One foot in front of the other.  One breath at a time.  One second at a time.

One day it will be easier, right?

Perspective

The days go round and round.  The sun rises.  The sun sets.  The moon comes out.  The rain falls.  We do not have snow yet.  We wonder if we will have snow for Christmas.

The tears flow.  The frustration builds.  Why am I still crying?  Why am I still sad?  Enough already.

Rejection.  Acceptance.  Too much soul searching?  I have discovered that I have some major issues with wanting to be accepted.  Possibly more than the average person.  And right now I seem to be surrounded by rejection.

Every.  Where.  I.  Turn.

I know.  It sounds complicated.  It is.

Tonight it is about perspective.

The plans for tonight would have been heading out of town to see A.  Except, we are not seeing each other.  Not anymore.  Our 23 year friendship is walking on egg shells.  Our budding romance has been hit with frost.

I am home.

It is not my weekend with the kids, however, my daughter has exams next week and wanted to stay home  to be able to study.  There is no quiet place to study at her father’s.  No problem.

I am home.

We received a phone call tonight from a social worker.  My daughter’s friend, S, needs a place to stay tonight.  The social worker feels strongly that S cannot stay at her own home for the weekend.

A bit of background.  About 3 weeks ago, S was checked into the hospital.  At the time we knew most definitely that she was self-harming, cutting, herself.  I did not know until this evening, that she was having suicidal thoughts as well.

She stayed in the hospital for about a week.  Returning to school, everything seemed to quiet down.  No reports from my daughter about how things were going.

Until tonight.

Of course S will stay with us tonight.  Tomorrow night if need be as well.

I am home.

So while I feel like my own life is spiralling out of control, full of rejection, there is a 14 year old who also feels the same.  But more. To the point of wanting to commit suicide.

I can’t imagine how she must feel.  But for certainty, she must feel very bad.  Very, very bad.

It is not about being thankful for what I have, thinking that “it could be worse”.  In fact many months ago I decided that it could never be worse.  Comparing my life, my situation, with that of someone else and saying that “it could be worse” meaning that their situation was worse, made me feel horrible.  How could I be grateful that someone else was suffering more or equally to me?  How could I be grateful that my life was not THAT bad.  Instead, I decided, life could be harder.  And when I think that way, I look at others with admiration.  If their challenges are greater than mine and they still get out of bed every day, put one foot in front of the other, I must admire them.  Find strength in their strength.  Courage in their courage.  Offer a hand up when they need help.  And take their hand when they offer help to me.

So tonight is all about perspective.  My life, my situation, could most definitely be harder.  I admire S for getting out of bed every day to fight her demons.  I find strength in her strength, even though I am most certain she feels weak.  I find courage in her courage, even though I am most certain she feels cowardly.  And I will offer her my hand to help her because she needs help.  She needs her village to open their arms and catch her while she is falling.

I am home.

Things happen for a reason.  I needed to be home for my daughter and for her friend S.  Things happen for a reason.

Just What I Needed

I’ve been a little MIA from my blog as of late.  I have not been inspired to write.  Well, that’s not completely true.  I have been writing, but in my journal.  I have had a hard few weeks.  I felt like coming here to write was self-indulgent.  “For goodness sake, no one wants to read more about your anxiety, or trust issues, or low self-esteem, or crying, or breakdown, or break up,” was what I was telling myself.  I’ll expand more on this in a separate blog post.

And then today happened.

leibster

I was nominated today by Mick over at My Writings for the Liebster Award.  While this blogger to blogger award is meant to not only recognize and show support to new bloggers, it also serves as a way to increase the nominated blogger’s exposure.

For me?

It was a big kick in the pants that I needed.  Mick reminded me not in words, but through his nomination, that I  need to write.  That my writing is being enjoyed and appreciated by others.

So thank you Mick.  I am truly grateful that you have gotten me to sit down at my computer and get typing again.  So much easier than pen to paper!  Maybe not easier, but different.  And equally relevant.

In Mick’s post I learned that I need to now share the nomination with other new bloggers that I have enjoyed reading (those with less than 200-300 followers), as well as answer the questions that he has left for me, and the other nominees.  Unfortunately I do not spend enough time reading blogs.  I randomly view and read.  These days my brain can focus on very little.  However, I whole heartedly agree with  Mick’s choice for his nominations:

The Euphoric Iraqi Single Mom This wonderful mom of twin boys is rebuilding her life during and after divorce.  She is amazingly strong and wonderful.

So Mick’s questions for me to answer:

1) What do you find most difficult about blogging?

Usually my biggest challenge is to just come and write.  I overthink.  Everything.  The intention was to have my blog be somewhere that I could come and write about my feelings and set them free.  But at times I get bogged down (like lately) and think too much about what I am actually writing (how it will be perceived) vs just writing.

2) What would you like to learn?

That is a good question.  There is so much for me to learn.  Especially when it comes to who I am.  I need to learn to not be so hard on myself.  I am my own worst critic.

3) So what inspires you?

So much.  Mostly though, the women around me.  We are all unique, and yet all the same.  We all struggle.  Some of our struggles are the same, some different, some opposite.  But we all struggle.  And yet we all get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other.

And if I am being completely honest, I inspire myself.  I read back on my posts and I like what I have written.  I am inspired to take another breath, to take another step, forward into this new life.

4) Have you got a philosophy of life?

Right now I would say that my philosophy would be, “one moment at a time, one breath at a time”.  Try to stay in the moment and to not worry about what you can’t control.

5) Any big event on the horizon for you?

There are lots of big events happening.  Maybe not events, but things in my life.  It looks like my divorce papers might be signed by the end of the year.  Huge.  I am taking my kids to NYC for Christmas and I am very excited about that.  A move is in my future as well as sorting out my career.  So lots of big things on the horizon.

6) Have you a favourite place?

My bed.  Since I wrote that post, I have added a memory foam top to my bed and bought new pillows that scrunch exactly like I want them to.  My favourite place is without a doubt MY bed.

There are other places that I love.  My local coffee shop.  NYC.  The top of the mountain where I live.

7) Couch potato or Olympic athlete?

Olympic Athlete without a doubt!  I am a part time fitness instructor who dabbles in cycling and has found a love for running.  I have never been a runner, and really would still say that I am not a runner.  But in actuality, I am now a runner, who has sustained her first injury and has to rest for 3 more weeks.  I have discovered how therapeutic running has been for me, since I have had to take a break.  It explains some of why I have been an emotional mess as of late.  I am planning on running a half marathon in May and may even participate in a team sprint triathlon with my swimming friend (so that means I will run and cycle).  Funny, I am sure my ex would find me unrecognizable now, in more ways than one!

8) Name 3 things on your bucket list.

Write a book. Travel to India.  To be an inspiration to others.

9) Have you had a life changing experience?

I have.  And it is what this blog is all about.  But I have also learned that every day is a life changing experience.  That each and every day, each and every decision, shapes our lives.

10) Name 3 people you would like to meet.

  1. my paternal grandmother for who I am named and I never got to meet.
  2. Josephine Bonaparte
  3. a younger version of myself.  to tell her that she is loved.  that she did not need to work so hard at being accepted by those who were not able to accept her.  that she was not a mistake.  that she was perfect.