“I see sadness in your eyes.”
This is what a friend told me last night. We are new friends. Fighting the same battle. The same timeline. But we have approached it so differently. She feels completely moved on. That is what I get from her eyes. But my eyes?
It is hard to not be sad. It is hard to actually define why I am sad. I am not sure that is important. I just am.
I do not miss him. I do not want him back in my life. I see this for the blessing that it is.
I miss my family. I am scared. Everything I thought I knew about my future does not exist.
I have had a few friends, and my therapist, tell me to lean into these emotions. To feel them and let them pass by. But there seems to be a traffic jam. They are not passing by so easily these days. And the days of feeling like this seem endless.
I am a fixer. I am an explainer. I like to know the answers.
Am I feeling this way because it is the holidays? Am I feeling this way because a year ago I started suspecting he was having an affair? Am I feeling this way because I have almost come one full calendar year through the grieving? Am I feeling this way because I do not have the distraction of A (most probably)? Is it ok to be sad still? Isn’t it time to move on? How do I do that? When will the sadness go away?
I like answers. And right now I feel like I have none.
One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One second at a time.
One day it will be easier, right?