I lay in bed. Afraid to try to sleep. Worried that sleep will allude me. Typical as of late. For a while sleep come a bit easier. Now, for the past three weeks or so, sleep is not a good friend of mine. Not an enemy, more like an acquaintance.
Tonight is the end of day 365.
Tomorrow I will have come full circle. I will have arrived to the anniversary date where my life as I knew it, changed forever.
One sentence. Or rather one question took me down a path of no return. Only I did not know it at the time.
“Can you just tell me that we’re going to be ok?”
For weeks I wondered what my life would have looked like had I not asked that question. If I had just kept quiet. Like usual. Swallowed my voice. Kept the boat steady.
His reply, “I don’t know.”
I folded over and put my hands on my thighs. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
Of course he knew. This was not the beginning of the lies. Unbeknownst to be at the time, the lies start months earlier. In the end, all irrelevant.
It has been quite the year.
My husband, now ex, moved out. He packed his bag full of lies and left a trail behind. I am still crossing paths with those lies. Too many. Too much. Enough already.
With the help of some of the most amazing women I have ever met, I was pulled up from the depths of despair. The pulling is not done. Not yet. And while I worry that my friends have tired of me, of this crap, I know they are still there. Arms open to catch me on the unexpected days of sadness and anxiety. Not sadness towards my ex, but rather sadness for the life I am mourning. Sadness for the person I was, good and bad. Anxiety for the unknown of the future.
I held the hands of my Children and wiped away more tears than I ever thought possible. From them. From me.
I found the strength and courage to ask for a divorce. He might have been the one to have left out marriage. He might have been the one to quit on us. But I was the one to stood up and said I wanted out. I took control of my situation. I protected myself. I protected my children.
Tomorrow, on the anniversary date of the collapse of my marriage, I will take my children on a trip. To one of my favourite cities. New York. We will build new Christmas memories. New Christmas traditions. We will get space from their father. Distract ourselves from what is now the reality of or new life.
We will love each other. Cherish each other.
On day 366, we will put one foot in front of the other. Just as we have done for the past 365.
We will be mighty.