The days go round and round. The sun rises. The sun sets. The moon comes out. The rain falls. We do not have snow yet. We wonder if we will have snow for Christmas.
The tears flow. The frustration builds. Why am I still crying? Why am I still sad? Enough already.
Rejection. Acceptance. Too much soul searching? I have discovered that I have some major issues with wanting to be accepted. Possibly more than the average person. And right now I seem to be surrounded by rejection.
Every. Where. I. Turn.
I know. It sounds complicated. It is.
Tonight it is about perspective.
The plans for tonight would have been heading out of town to see A. Except, we are not seeing each other. Not anymore. Our 23 year friendship is walking on egg shells. Our budding romance has been hit with frost.
I am home.
It is not my weekend with the kids, however, my daughter has exams next week and wanted to stay home to be able to study. There is no quiet place to study at her father’s. No problem.
I am home.
We received a phone call tonight from a social worker. My daughter’s friend, S, needs a place to stay tonight. The social worker feels strongly that S cannot stay at her own home for the weekend.
A bit of background. About 3 weeks ago, S was checked into the hospital. At the time we knew most definitely that she was self-harming, cutting, herself. I did not know until this evening, that she was having suicidal thoughts as well.
She stayed in the hospital for about a week. Returning to school, everything seemed to quiet down. No reports from my daughter about how things were going.
Of course S will stay with us tonight. Tomorrow night if need be as well.
I am home.
So while I feel like my own life is spiralling out of control, full of rejection, there is a 14 year old who also feels the same. But more. To the point of wanting to commit suicide.
I can’t imagine how she must feel. But for certainty, she must feel very bad. Very, very bad.
It is not about being thankful for what I have, thinking that “it could be worse”. In fact many months ago I decided that it could never be worse. Comparing my life, my situation, with that of someone else and saying that “it could be worse” meaning that their situation was worse, made me feel horrible. How could I be grateful that someone else was suffering more or equally to me? How could I be grateful that my life was not THAT bad. Instead, I decided, life could be harder. And when I think that way, I look at others with admiration. If their challenges are greater than mine and they still get out of bed every day, put one foot in front of the other, I must admire them. Find strength in their strength. Courage in their courage. Offer a hand up when they need help. And take their hand when they offer help to me.
So tonight is all about perspective. My life, my situation, could most definitely be harder. I admire S for getting out of bed every day to fight her demons. I find strength in her strength, even though I am most certain she feels weak. I find courage in her courage, even though I am most certain she feels cowardly. And I will offer her my hand to help her because she needs help. She needs her village to open their arms and catch her while she is falling.
I am home.
Things happen for a reason. I needed to be home for my daughter and for her friend S. Things happen for a reason.