I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all…
I am finding myself dreaming about him. Talk about frustrating. It is hard enough during the day to not think about him too much but now, after all these months I am thinking about him when I have little to no control over my thoughts.
I don’t remember the dream. I just know that I had it. Once I started to wake up, my thoughts went to him so quickly.
There are times when I think about what I could have done differently. In my marriage. Since he left. When I met him. But I know my purpose in being with him was to have my children. I tell my children that I would go through the pain of heartbreak all over again to ensure I would have them in my life. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
There are times when I think about all the lies. Staying late for work, but not. Going to a business dinner, but not. Staying at on a business trip for an extra day, but not. I wonder how long it went on for. And I don’t know. I think I know, but I never will.
This morning was full of thoughts of things he did before he left. Not the lies so much as the strangeness to his actions. One action in particular.
A couple of years ago he lost his wedding ring. He says he knows exactly where it is. I guess now it will just live amongst the wild growth at the country home. Last October, he replaced it. Just a simple silver band. Exactly what he wanted. And then he left in January.
The thoughts gravitate to wonder. Not only do I wonder how long their affair went on for, but I wonder how she could have left her husband of just one year? And knowing that she left her husband in November, why did it take him until January? You will all say it was because of Christmas, but he started letting the shoes drop on December 23rd, and did not move out until January 10th. Pain is pain, and the pain during those 17 days, was the worst.
I wonder if she painted him into a corner? Emotionally? Legally? (They work together). Or maybe he did to her. Maybe he tested her. Asked her to leave her husband, not figuring that she would? And then things got real? Did things get too complicated?
I wonder if I had not asked on that fateful morning of December 23rd, when I felt him starting to pull away, “Can you just tell me that we’re going to be ok?” His reply, “I don’t know.”
I feel like he is living the life of a winner. Very happy with his decisions. Leading a great life. Living in a great apartment on the water, with a view of the city. No responsibilities. No cares. He just walked away.
But then I give my head a shake.
I know that I am doing ok. I know that I am doing better than ok. But I get frustrated with being sad. I get frustrated that I miss him. But my life is already better in so many ways, without him. I have more control, more say in my own life. I am finally able to stand strong in my body. I can enjoy the things in life that bring me pleasure. I am going to develop and pursue my passion.
Last night my daughter was watching Mamma Mia on Netflix. Such a fun movie. I watched some of it, most of it, with her. And often my thoughts wandered to the fact that this is something I love, watching a random movie with my daughter, and a musical, even better! Now we will, unabashedly, sing at the top of our lungs when we watch it the next time. Simply because, we can.
I am the winner.